Dan Siegel shares 3 Popular Myths about the teen brain

We had Dan Siegel as a keynote speaker at our Professional Development Day last year in Coquitlam. This is a great article on the 3 Popular Myths about the teen brain...

Dan Siegel, award-winning educator, child psychiatrist, and author of New York Times bestseller Brainstorm, explores the power and purpose of the teenage brain in Mindful’s June issue. Siegel talks about the brain science behind teen angst and how to turn parents’ concerns into understanding and confrontation into connection. Siegel warns that some of the popular misconceptions we have about the teen brain are making life more difficult for adolescents and adults alike. He shares how science is refuting three long-held myths we mistakenly believe about what makes teens tick:

Myth No. 1: Raging Hormones Make You Crazy

Yes, hormones do increase during this period, but they don’t determine the ins and outs of adolescence—that’s for another piece of anatomy. “We now know that what adolescents experience is primarily the result of changes in the development of the brain,” Siegel writes:

Knowing we’re dealing with developmental and neurological changes—and not a kid hopped up on hormones—undercuts one of the most powerful myths we hold about the teen years.

Myth No. 2: You Just Need to Grow Up

That old phrase, “It’s just a phase,” is not helping. It stems from this idea we have about teenage-hood being a time of mindless upheaval that has to be endured by parents and teens alike. On the contrary, argues Siegel, this upheaval is fruitful and even foundational. Even seemingly senseless behaviors have purpose—beyond confounding parents. Siegel writes:

In very key ways, the ‘work’ of adolescence—the testing of boundaries, the passion to explore what is unknown and exciting—can lay the stage for the development of core character traits that will enable adolescents to go on to lead great lives of adventure and purpose.

Adolescence is turbulent—but teens aren’t just being “crazy” or “immature.” Not just a phase that needs to be grown out of, adolescence is actually a period of growth characterized by “emotional intensity, social engagement, and creativity.” So it’s not about surviving teenage-hood, but understanding and learning from these new desires and drives in ways that enable teens to thrive.

Myth No. 3: Strive for Total Independence

The image of your kid stuffing that final duffle bag into an over-packed station wagon has been cemented in our collective memories, thanks to Hollywood. Beyond fantasy, it is true that teens are pushing for independence during these years and spending more time with friends. But leaving home is not the final frontier for teens to start their passage into adulthood—and Siegel says everyone around the table should aim for interdependence: “The healthy move to adulthood is toward interdependence, not complete ‘do-it-yourself’ isolation.”

In other words, adolescents still benefit from being around adults, even if they are predisposed to nurturing friend bonds more during this period. Siegel writes:

Ultimately, we learn to move from needing others’ care during childhood, to pushing away from our parents and other adults and learning to lean more on our peers during adolescence, to then learning to both give care and receive help from others. That’s interdependence.

For more than just this Glimpse:

• See the full table of contents for Mindful's June 2014 issue. 

Source

How to Talk to Little Girls...

This in an excerpt from an article written by Lisa Bloom and reposted on a blog:

Little Maya was all curly brown hair, doe-like dark eyes, and adorable in her shiny pink nightgown. I wanted to squeal, “Maya, you’re so cute! Look at you! Turn around and model that pretty ruffled gown, you gorgeous thing!”

But I didn’t. I squelched myself. As I always bite my tongue when I meet little girls, restraining myself from my first impulse, which is to tell them how darn cute/ pretty/ beautiful/ well-dressed/ well-manicured/ well-coiffed they are.

What’s wrong with that? It’s our culture’s standard talking-to-little-girls icebreaker, isn’t it? And why not give them a sincere compliment to boost their self-esteem? Because they are so darling I just want to burst when I meet them, honestly.

Hold that thought for just a moment.

This week ABC news reported that nearly half of all three- to six-year-old girls worry about being fat. In my book, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World, I reveal that fifteen to eighteen percent of girls under twelve now wear mascara, eyeliner and lipstick regularly; eating disorders are up and self-esteem is down; and twenty-five percent of young American women would rather win America’s next top model than the Nobel Peace Prize. Even bright, successful college women say they’d rather be hot than smart. A Miami mom just died from cosmetic surgery, leaving behind two teenagers. This keeps happening, and it breaks my heart.

Teaching girls that their appearance is the first thing you notice tells them that looks are more important than anything. It sets them up for dieting at age 5 and foundation at age 11 and boob jobs at 17 and Botox at 23. As our cultural imperative for girls to be hot 24/7 has become the new normal, American women have become increasingly unhappy. What’s missing? A life of meaning, a life of ideas and reading books and being valued for our thoughts and accomplishments.
------
So, one tiny bit of opposition to a culture that sends all the wrong messages to our girls. One tiny nudge towards valuing female brains. One brief moment of intentional role modeling. Will my few minutes with Maya change our multibillion dollar beauty industry, reality shows that demean women, our celebrity-manic culture? No. But I did change Maya’s perspective for at least that evening.

Try this the next time you meet a little girl. She may be surprised and unsure at first, because few ask her about her mind, but be patient and stick with it. Ask her what she’s reading. What does she like and dislike, and why? There are no wrong answers. You’re just generating an intelligent conversation that respects her brain. For older girls, ask her about current events issues: pollution, wars, school budgets slashed. What bothers her out there in the world? How would she fix it if she had a magic wand? You may get some intriguing answers. Tell her about your ideas and accomplishments and your favorite books. Model for her what a thinking woman says and does.

And let me know the response you get at www.Twitter.com/lisabloom.

Here’s to changing the world, one little girl at a time.

Read entire post here: http://latinafatale.com/2011/07/21/how-to-talk-to-little-girls/

The best $10 I ever spent

The other day I posted a blog wondering about how to teach young women positive self-esteem. I talked about a story I had heard about a $20 bill. [Read the post here] and wondered if it would work with my middle school class.

Today, I gave it a try.

I held up a $5 bill and said, "someone is getting $5 today" instantly, my class of grade 8's perked up.

I asked, "who wants this $5?" all their hands went up excited, a couple seemed weary.  I promised someone would leave class with the $5 bill in my hand. But first, I had to show them something important.

Then, I scrunched the $5 bill into a ball in my hands and asked, "who wants this $5 bill now?" Still, hands flew up.

I nodded, threw the $5 bill onto the ground, still crumpled into a ball and I stepped on it. I twisted my foot onto the $5 bill tattering it's edges and flattening it.

"This $5 bill is now dirty, crumpled, damaged.... anyone still want it?" of course, the hands STILL went up. "Why?" I asked. One boy said, "because it is still valuable, it is still $5"

BINGO!

I told them that sometimes life throws us curves, sometimes we are thrown on the ground, crumpled and feeling worthless, but that we are all valued and loved and that our true friends and family will always love us even when the going gets tough. I mimicked some of the sentiments from the story I heard this from:

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We may feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do, who we know or a price tag but by WHO WE ARE. You are special-Don’t EVER forget it!!

The same boy who pointed out the $5 was still valuable crumpled or not asked, "Why tell us this now?"

Good question!

I told them that middle school is tough! Highschool can be tough too! There have been and will be good days and bad days, and we can't always control that. I told them that I can't promise things will always go how you want, but I can promise you that no matter what, you can overcome the bad because the good is worth it!

After some further discussion, I gave the $5 to one of my students, hoping the message was delivered. I also explained I had read about this story but that they used a $20 or $100 bill. I told them I didn't carry that kind of cash on me, but that $5 told the same story!

Later that day, my next class came in and they were a buzz with the news I had given out $5 to the previous class, "Word in the twittersphere is you have some money to give out today?" [No they hadn't tweeted it, but it had been a hot topic at recess apparently]

I was glad the money news had spread, but even more impressed that the story's message had spread.

At lunch a few students came to talk to me more about the story. "I never thought of it that way" and "It's true, bad moods don't mean I am a bad person, everyone has bad days" were among comments I heard from students from the two classes.

I just hope the message sticks... I hope that one day, when one of them is going through something tough, they remember they are loved and they are valued. I hope they remember the day their teacher gave out $5

If so, it was the best $10 I ever spent!

How do we teach young women positive self-esteem?

My daughter's school had a Saleema Moon presentation for parents [and then for the kids.] My husband and I disagreed on what was appropriate for a 9 year old in relation to sexual education, but agreed that the presentation would be a positive educational experience for our daughter.

I have been pretty open and matter-of-fact with my daughter about puberty and how babies grow etc. We have a very open relationship, where (at least for now) she seems to talk to me about everything. After the presentation she admited she learned some things, didn't understand some things but overall was glad she went. The presenter, Dr. Brandy Wiebe, had told us at the parents session that if a child was not ready to learn something, it would just go in one ear and out the other, so I let my daughter know that if there were things she didn't understand she could always come to me to ask questions now or later. I hope that openess continues as she gets older. I think every child needs a trusted adult to talk to about "life" but am not so niave to believe it can always be the parent.

I found the Saleema Moon talk to be very informative and presented in a way that was very appropriate for the age group(s). I think young girls and boys should understand these things before they experience them so they aren't scared, or surprised. As Dr. Brandy Wiebe said to our children, "How many of you are grossed out ? That's ok, this is an adult activity so luckily you don't have to worry about it for a long time, phew!"

As a parent, I am glad my daughter is getting this information early on so she has it "in her back pocket" for if and when she needs it in the future.

As an educator, I was interested in what topics were covered from each age group (which was provided in a hand out) and how they address more complex and mature topics with older students, in particular, decision-making as a pre-teen and teenager.

Dr. Brandy Wiebe spoke with me one-on-one and said that often the decisions young people make with regards to sex are because of others, not themselves. She said, if students can learn to value themselves and make decisions FOR themselves, that is a good start. This resonated with me...

I am very interested in how to help young girls in particular, develop self-esteem and how to promote positivity for young women who too often make decisions based on other's opinions, wants, needs and not their own,. How do we teach young women to value themselves?

Here is a story I heard:

A well-known speaker started off his seminar holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, “Who would like this $20 bill?” Hands started going up. He said, “I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this.”
He proceeded to crumple up …the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, “Who still wants it…?” Still the hands …..were up in the air. “Well,” he replied, “What if I do this?” And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.
He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. “Now, who still wants it?” Still the hands went into the air. “My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We may feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.
The worth of our lives comes not in what we do, who we know or a price tag but by WHO WE ARE. You are special-Don’t EVER forget it!!

I wonder if this example would work with my own students? At what age can they make that connection? I wonder...

Now, my focus on young women's need for strong self-esteem does not mean that young boys are any less important in this equation, however, having been a young women that was bullied and often struggled with low self-esteem, I have a real desire to help young girls become strong women! I had positive teachers in my life and hope to be that for even one of my students!